Microsoft Unveils Best Windows 10 Feature

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella has unveiled “the best feature Windows 10 has to offer, hands-down.” On top of the various new features Windows 10 has to offer, including the return of the start menu, and the introduction of Cortana and Microsoft Edge, this new feature will “top them all” according to Nadella. Generally, the CEO doesn’t unveil new features to the public; they usually unveil them at a press conference to be presented to the public at a later date. This feature, however, is so mind-blowing that Nadella decided to skip the press conference and head straight for the public unveil. “At Microsoft, we’re always finding ways to be better. We understand that there were many flaws with Windows 8—and we truly believe this new feature will allow you to forgive us,” Nadella stated during an exclusive interview. “We’d like to proudly introduce fecal-matter recognition technology. To start, come out of the bathroom after taking a number two without washing your hands, and smear them across your display. Windows will recognize the smear and save it to an encrypted partition on your hard drive. In order to gain access to the device in the future, you’ll need to repeat the same process.” Microsoft believes that fecal-matter recognition will give a solid edge over its top competitor, Apple. It will be included in all variants of Windows 10.