Local Dog Shits on Donald Trump’s Campaign Poster

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-NxAJ0eEgfBR2_mKnPIX2SFvwIgAwRlMmkUs-feXxmc_a6gGPQyd65bYxUCmc7M1Wq0Eq29qUknHx-mBaygIE3CgkPrbkqU6GqPnRFxlcuVNqev1mpzERVGWy_0tC8QXGwJ1CWQauMaDk/s1600/pooptrump.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-NxAJ0eEgfBR2_mKnPIX2SFvwIgAwRlMmkUs-feXxmc_a6gGPQyd65bYxUCmc7M1Wq0Eq29qUknHx-mBaygIE3CgkPrbkqU6GqPnRFxlcuVNqev1mpzERVGWy_0tC8QXGwJ1CWQauMaDk/s640/pooptrump.jpg" width="640" /></a></div> <br /> AUSTIN, TX—A local dog has successfully taken a shit on Donald Trump’s campaign poster while walking to the dog park. The dog, named Fluffers, was being walked by his owner when “he tugged on the leash so hard that I lost grip.” The dog proceeded to press his butt against the poster and unleash a giant pile of doggy doo. The owner, Jeb Martin, was horrified at the sighting and decided to post a picture of his dog’s smug look after the fact. “The dog seems to know that Trump deserves a steaming pile of shit all over his face,” a local resident screamed in approval. The rest of the Austin area isn’t too happy with the dog, as they all plan on voting for Trump. Martin decided to give the dog up for adoption because he “only accepts pure-blooded Republican dogs.” Martin was also afraid that if he kept Fluffers, his neighborhood would disown him, and probably even skin them both alive. “It was best I put him up for adoption. We’ve been through a lot, but I feel he stabbed me in the back.” The dog can be purchased at a local animal shelter in Austin for around fifty dollars. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

Local Dog Shits on Donald Trump’s Campaign Poster

AUSTIN, TX—A local dog has successfully taken a shit on Donald Trump’s campaign poster while walking to the dog park. The dog, named Fluf...

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Minnesota Couple Argues About Who Should Shovel Next Winter

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj1LEoDo7IYItEcvz-ahF_IRQmlH9FZZoJ0t7YjoIkxnRMQbRFtddGFCtlxmHaIVqFck1g525IBX4ISves5DjDxtA2EC9mN2lY0OkZKkGcVMS-XQt7nqohLnB3daqZNEM2WYxiRkcIyUT2/s1600/bigstock-Couple-Arguing-At-Breakfast-3916300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj1LEoDo7IYItEcvz-ahF_IRQmlH9FZZoJ0t7YjoIkxnRMQbRFtddGFCtlxmHaIVqFck1g525IBX4ISves5DjDxtA2EC9mN2lY0OkZKkGcVMS-XQt7nqohLnB3daqZNEM2WYxiRkcIyUT2/s640/bigstock-Couple-Arguing-At-Breakfast-3916300.jpg" width="640" /></a></div> <br /> EAGAN, MN—A local Minnesota couple is in a heated argument about who should shovel during the coming winter months. The couple admits that they don’t usually argue, but this particular topic sparked a flame in their relationship. According to Eric, the husband, Claire hasn’t shoveled in over two years. “Every time it snowed, I was the one to go out and shovel. I don’t remember her helping once.” Of course, Claire remembers differently. “Every time it snowed, I yelled for my husband to go shovel, and he did.” That probably doesn’t help Claire’s case, but at least she was being honest, and honesty is the best policy. Eric claims that he’s tried to hire the local kids to shovel for him, but they always ended up setting fire to his prized tree. “All Eric cares about is that stupid tree. He won a forestry badge one time and I swear he loves the tree more than me,” an aggravated Claire sighed. The couple is planning to file for divorce later this year. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

Minnesota Couple Argues About Who Should Shovel Next Winter

EAGAN, MN—A local Minnesota couple is in a heated argument about who should shovel during the coming winter months. The couple admits tha...

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Child Expelled for Marmalade Sandwich

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHGnoHN4ZWEnZ79pzfOMT-MEeqjYaltjSBb8BjVhznkljLYc0QwJ-fP81FABl6AxRlBBSce-TeNA8wxw-RGu93I7dxmgGc_g-ll3xe157HyHW6maUVdgCKwPubq-TY3EfOGm9ZuOiACBkY/s1600/Sandwich+%25284%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHGnoHN4ZWEnZ79pzfOMT-MEeqjYaltjSBb8BjVhznkljLYc0QwJ-fP81FABl6AxRlBBSce-TeNA8wxw-RGu93I7dxmgGc_g-ll3xe157HyHW6maUVdgCKwPubq-TY3EfOGm9ZuOiACBkY/s640/Sandwich+%25284%2529.jpg" width="640" /></a></div> <br /> FRANKFORT, KY—The school board at a local elementary school has expelled a boy who brought in a marmalade sandwich. The boy, 9-year-old Taylor Parker, unpacked his lunch and a teacher caught a glimpse of something unusual in his sandwich. “It looked a lot like jelly. When I got closer, I saw that it was orange.” After the teacher, Mr. Brown, noticed the odd color, he asked Taylor what it was. When he learned that it was in fact marmalade, he brought the boy to the principal’s office. “Here in Kentucky, we have a strict zero-tolerance policy for marmalade. Ever since the Great Marmalade Incident of 1823, it’s been illegal to manufacture, buy, or sell marmalade.” Upon learning of his expulsion, his parents grounded Taylor for a year. Since he’s in third grade, his history class has definitely covered the Great Marmalade Incident of 1823. An ongoing investigation is underway to find the manufacturer of the marmalade, as Taylor confessed to purchasing it. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

Child Expelled for Marmalade Sandwich

FRANKFORT, KY—The school board at a local elementary school has expelled a boy who brought in a marmalade sandwich. The boy, 9-year-old T...

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Local Gardener Has Big Dreams

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-dYKEh1YrVUTF8DzLHsxjinanGGOzklhCeK3PnThDyP9Oj_d1McXYI4BOkbV6wysp77zRfyjA06QsSOstWFi9ycyW6tzG9u7Q94K2bok_BGWfSnpXgE2dzQ4yVd0qnjb3x2bJOp4bskfu/s1600/gardener.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-dYKEh1YrVUTF8DzLHsxjinanGGOzklhCeK3PnThDyP9Oj_d1McXYI4BOkbV6wysp77zRfyjA06QsSOstWFi9ycyW6tzG9u7Q94K2bok_BGWfSnpXgE2dzQ4yVd0qnjb3x2bJOp4bskfu/s640/gardener.jpg" width="640" /></a></div> <br /> MIAMI, FL—A local gardener is planning on becoming the first “garden serial killer” in Miami. Troy Baskwell, a 62-year old gardener born in Miami, is planning on murdering half of his neighborhood. He claims that gardening, a hobby he once loved, is not enough to fulfill his needs of entertainment. “I used to watch Dexter every week,” Baker stated, “until I took up gardening. That guy is my idol.” Due to a lack of funding, Baker start a Kickstarter campaign to aid him in the purchase of several serial-killer friendly weapons, such as knives, axes, daggers, and tranquilizers. Since he is a gardener, he already has access to several shovels, so he won’t need to purchase more. In addition to the Kickstarter campaign, his gardening skills will benefit him significantly. Because he is so familiar with digging up dirt for long periods of time, he will have no problem hiding the bodies of his victims. To top it off, he can plant flowers on the graves to make them seem less suspicious. “I didn’t know gardening skills would benefit a serial killer so much. I’m sure glad I chose this hobby when I did.” Troy stated that he will start his serial killing spree in a few weeks. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

Local Gardener Has Big Dreams

MIAMI, FL—A local gardener is planning on becoming the first “garden serial killer” in Miami. Troy Baskwell, a 62-year old gardener born ...

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Business Mogul Trips on Rock

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmnGvt-KuumZGck8I-Dys28cQsfJs-ilt01HBUY85u_GVcVsjQFgtFDqD4dps-e_xjr8ZepwsUt5V9CQ-WeLZSh099ORT4fANhT14NTzM5vjVXxp4593xV-ezfWTxEJlm1K_wI79lSntvQ/s1600/mantrips.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmnGvt-KuumZGck8I-Dys28cQsfJs-ilt01HBUY85u_GVcVsjQFgtFDqD4dps-e_xjr8ZepwsUt5V9CQ-WeLZSh099ORT4fANhT14NTzM5vjVXxp4593xV-ezfWTxEJlm1K_wI79lSntvQ/s640/mantrips.png" width="640" /></a></div> <br /> A FIELD SOMEWHERE—A well known business mogul has tripped on a rock to his death according to local authorities. They have asked us not to disclose the location of the tragic incident until they fully understand what happened there. Patrick O’Hare was supposedly heading for work when he decided to take a scenic route on foot. While walking on the path, he “tripped on a rock and broke his neck.” It’s a rather tragic story, as any person could have potentially survived the fall. “The angle in which he fell was one that caused his neck to immediately snap upon impact,” medical professionals stated. For those who don’t know, O’Hare was president of his local tailor shop, and he dressed very well every day. Due to the unfortunate accident, his son Peter will be taking over the shop. Our greatest condolences to the O’Hare family. More information on this story will be aired on local news stations. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

Business Mogul Trips on Rock

A FIELD SOMEWHERE—A well known business mogul has tripped on a rock to his death according to local authorities. They have asked us not t...

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Shower Curtain Sick of Always Being Wet

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdjnr2mgRbG8gKXbTAdYCYakMSsPl-clxghuDKxXWH_6JLHYiA-19zKcUmU898u8xONk7yGwVbCbTF-Zhq_uX62U9wyWWbYH1bzq7WUQhpMeCr6mq5YCuKE6wl4nmpqvtN-EN99Qg-YwTB/s1600/1920x1200-sandpiper-shower-curtain-unique-bathrooms-by-artceram.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdjnr2mgRbG8gKXbTAdYCYakMSsPl-clxghuDKxXWH_6JLHYiA-19zKcUmU898u8xONk7yGwVbCbTF-Zhq_uX62U9wyWWbYH1bzq7WUQhpMeCr6mq5YCuKE6wl4nmpqvtN-EN99Qg-YwTB/s640/1920x1200-sandpiper-shower-curtain-unique-bathrooms-by-artceram.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /> DENVER, CO—A local shower curtain is not happy due to its incessant wetness. The shower curtain, who wishes to remain anonymous, stated that “it’s sick of always being wet.” “When I <i>am</i> dry, which is maybe 10% of the time, I just get all wet again in a matter of hours. And they don’t dry me when they’re done, either. It’s just annoying.” The shower curtain is so sick of not being dry that it threatened a lawsuit against its owners. If it wins, it will be compensated $12,400 and it will be made waterproof. Its owners, Robert and Samantha Brown, don’t seem to care about their shower curtain’s wellbeing. Defending themselves from supposed shower curtain negligence, they stated, “It’s a shower curtain. It’s doing its job by preventing water from going everywhere. We could care less about how it feels.” Good thing it’s impossible to tell if the shower curtain is crying because it’s already full of water. “I wish I was a bird, like what I have printed on me. Then I could fly away from these terrible people.” The court date is set for July 30^th, 2015. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

Shower Curtain Sick of Always Being Wet

DENVER, CO—A local shower curtain is not happy due to its incessant wetness. The shower curtain, who wishes to remain anonymous, stated tha...

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Child Ignores Parents’ Curfew

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzyQe2Jv5Lvw7R7bT_s9BtdoJjxFXYoWFYUB5sYg0_skEnN93O7ZUTYIeoaHSiyvtv9e_w6cnLwAQWqsduY_Ie0iKR_FYJWJZvf_FbWaQ7cGb5Puhu919qp18LUDZ1z1SROf0nG2FIireX/s1600/angry-child-boy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzyQe2Jv5Lvw7R7bT_s9BtdoJjxFXYoWFYUB5sYg0_skEnN93O7ZUTYIeoaHSiyvtv9e_w6cnLwAQWqsduY_Ie0iKR_FYJWJZvf_FbWaQ7cGb5Puhu919qp18LUDZ1z1SROf0nG2FIireX/s640/angry-child-boy.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /> SAINT PAUL, MN—A young child has disobeyed his parents’ curfew for him. The young boy, named Elliot Warner, was “five minutes late” according to his parents, David and Jill Warner. “We’re very disappointed with our son. He has never stayed out past curfew, not even for his friend’s birthday party.” As punishment, Elliot must go without television and video games for a week. “This is his first offense. If he does it again, the punishment will only be worse. He has been acting up a lot lately, though.” He told his parents that he wanted to buy some Juicy Fruit gum at his corner store, but he had to wait in line. “It doesn’t matter that he was late because of a line. He should have calculated the time it took per person to come to the conclusion that he would be late if he waited in line.” Our best wishes to both Elliot and his parents. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

Child Ignores Parents’ Curfew

SAINT PAUL, MN—A young child has disobeyed his parents’ curfew for him. The young boy, named Elliot Warner, was “five minutes late” accordi...

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Local Man Donating Toenails to Charity

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgnPvPxeXmrfwk6GCSgZo6C9tmOLoLLm_Xp27kDqZPN5lfjv-mZIVSXTULTqRcZq4gbqwfaTWZ_kVwuLFNvso4GKn-5ViK9TbhlLhEK2UN0d-1k3xTn6w1WlSxYYr-gWl0nRP2zUKVOh8T/s1600/smiling-male-executive-outdoor-m.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgnPvPxeXmrfwk6GCSgZo6C9tmOLoLLm_Xp27kDqZPN5lfjv-mZIVSXTULTqRcZq4gbqwfaTWZ_kVwuLFNvso4GKn-5ViK9TbhlLhEK2UN0d-1k3xTn6w1WlSxYYr-gWl0nRP2zUKVOh8T/s640/smiling-male-executive-outdoor-m.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">MINNEAPOLIS, MN—A local man has decided to donate his toenails to charity. “I<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>ve been thinking about this for a long time. I<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>ll miss them so much, but I feel the charity will greatly appreciate my donation,“ Tyrell Johnson told us during an interview. He<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>s been growing his toenails for over three weeks now, and he<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>s finally going to part with them. He went to his local Wal-Mart and purchased the most expensive pair of toenail clippers. If he<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>s not careful, he could clip one of the toenails incorrectly, and that would result in a nail that he can<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>t donate. The charity, recently established, is known as the International Nail Association. Their goal is to create the largest nail in history and display it at the Louvre in Paris. Johnson<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>s donation will be the first of many, and it<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>s tax deductable. “I<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>m so happy that this is going to a good cause. I don<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>t really have any use for them anyway.” We hope more people like Johnson are out there and willing to donate their toenails as well. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i></div>

Local Man Donating Toenails to Charity

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—A local man has decided to donate his toenails to charity. “I ’ ve been thinking about this for a long time. I ’ ll miss th...

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Canadians Revolt Against Smokey Bear

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic970VU58cuWCJ_vzRdPLDd1yLnszNA0RZGo0nmBTnfA7uc9KofJVTnEBPs5rL3GCBD0P8nRbUhNQw7Oi6CCIr-toUlvrWNSpv3TYJCMDnbYSjPLF0XR5ci2qH5R4jCWrzYSBnr1til6v6/s1600/police_swat_black_white_bw_people_anarchy_riot_weapons_1920x1200.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic970VU58cuWCJ_vzRdPLDd1yLnszNA0RZGo0nmBTnfA7uc9KofJVTnEBPs5rL3GCBD0P8nRbUhNQw7Oi6CCIr-toUlvrWNSpv3TYJCMDnbYSjPLF0XR5ci2qH5R4jCWrzYSBnr1til6v6/s640/police_swat_black_white_bw_people_anarchy_riot_weapons_1920x1200.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /> </div>ONTARIO, CANADA—Canadians are outraging against new legislature that Smokey Bear is trying to pass. Yesterday, we <a href="http://www.finestnews.blogspot.com/2015/07/smokey-bear-working-to-ban-canadians.html">covered a story</a> where Smokey Bear is trying to ban all Canadian immigrants due to the Saskatchewan forest fires. As it turns out, many Canadians are unhappy with this possible legislation. “We had nothing to do with the forest fires, eh,” Bill Randolph told us. “They were probably started by Smokey Bear himself, eh, we all know he hates us, eh!” The picture above was taken earlier today, and it’s near the border between Minnesota and Canada. We’ll keep you posted with updates.<br /> <br /> <b>Update 10:07 p.m.: </b>The rioting has subsided, but Smokey Bear is still working on the legislation. We hope all families involved in the riots are unharmed. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i></div>

Canadians Revolt Against Smokey Bear

ONTARIO, CANADA—Canadians are outraging against new legislature that Smokey Bear is trying to pass. Yesterday, we covered a story where Sm...

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Smokey Bear Working to Ban Canadians

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIjcsKxEC7O4cfn-XFRLzlvd6k9x2z0W_vWJL3U1mk7dmdliF9Ot_npCj_a9oLdp2tcJYqDOikilY1tKuVLICDq3JJND3DMQ8EHdPifjjXzffwLYsIYLecWwHHpn08jNy92pgvzVKfGsEC/s1600/burrn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIjcsKxEC7O4cfn-XFRLzlvd6k9x2z0W_vWJL3U1mk7dmdliF9Ot_npCj_a9oLdp2tcJYqDOikilY1tKuVLICDq3JJND3DMQ8EHdPifjjXzffwLYsIYLecWwHHpn08jNy92pgvzVKfGsEC/s640/burrn.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /> </div>SASKATCHEWAN, CANADA—As the wildfires rage on in Canada, Smokey Bear is working with local politicians in the United States to ban Canadian immigrants. “We can<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>t have Canadians in the United States after all of the messages I<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>ve had broadcasted on T.V.” Smokey told us. “They blatantly ignored my messages and many Midwestern states are suffering from their insolence.” If the law passes, all Canadians immigrants will need to return to their home country. If this is the only way to get rid of Justin Bieber, here<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>s to hoping that it gets passed. Smokey also told us that he may be running for the 2016 presidential election, but he has not decided yet. He told us that if he becomes president, he<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>ll remove Canada from the world map. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i></div>

Smokey Bear Working to Ban Canadians

SASKATCHEWAN, CANADA—As the wildfires rage on in Canada, Smokey Bear is working with local politicians in the United States to ban Canadian...

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