Local Gardener Has Big Dreams

MIAMI, FL—A local gardener is planning on becoming the first “garden serial killer” in Miami. Troy Baskwell, a 62-year old gardener born in Miami, is planning on murdering half of his neighborhood. He claims that gardening, a hobby he once loved, is not enough to fulfill his needs of entertainment. “I used to watch Dexter every week,” Baker stated, “until I took up gardening. That guy is my idol.” Due to a lack of funding, Baker start a Kickstarter campaign to aid him in the purchase of several serial-killer friendly weapons, such as knives, axes, daggers, and tranquilizers. Since he is a gardener, he already has access to several shovels, so he won’t need to purchase more. In addition to the Kickstarter campaign, his gardening skills will benefit him significantly. Because he is so familiar with digging up dirt for long periods of time, he will have no problem hiding the bodies of his victims. To top it off, he can plant flowers on the graves to make them seem less suspicious. “I didn’t know gardening skills would benefit a serial killer so much. I’m sure glad I chose this hobby when I did.” Troy stated that he will start his serial killing spree in a few weeks.