Music Companies Fighting Piracy

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Several music producers have banded together to fight piracy, our sources informed us earlier today. They claim that “piracy as a huge problem and needs to be halted.” Their spokesman, Richard Wagner, told us, “Ships sailing on the open sea shouldn’t be worrying about pirates. They have enough to worry about.” It’s nice to see that people are finally taking a stance towards piracy. The FBI and NSA have tried countless times to take down The Pirate Bay—a hub for pirates to discuss their pirating tactics—but to no avail. The group, knows as the Anti-Piracy Commission, or APC, hopes to launch several ships on the open sea to spot potential pirate ships. If they find one, they will use their modified cruise ship to blow it out of the water—literally. “We have a zero-tolerance policy against pirate ships,” Wagner stated in a press conference earlier this week. “If you see one, blow it the fuck up.” Let this be a solid warning to all pirates sailing on the open seas.