In the 1800’s, when people thought Earth was the center of the universe, there were one or two people who postulated that the sun was the center—not Earth. That was a far-fetched theory, so they needed evidence to support their claim. They needed to gather as much data as possible, so a trip to space was necessary. They built their own rocket and launched it outside of the atmosphere. Keep in mind, this is long before the first recorded space flight. It was undocumented because they believed telling the world about space flight would cause many problems, including nerds who really wanted to explore Mars. As they were in space, they gathered enough data to conclude the theory that Earth is the center was wrong. Well, it turns out they were wrong.
New studies have shown that the magnitude of Earth is actually 7.5x greater than we originally thought. The only possible explanation for this is that Earth is the center of the universe. Scientist Dr. Theodore Castle states, “It’s been a long time since we’ve disproven a well-accepted theory. Thanks to new groundbreaking technology, we’ve come to the conclusion that Earth the center of the universe. I suppose that’s why there are so many self-centered people on this planet.” This guy definitely knows what he’s talking about because he has a PhD in glass-making. He goes on to say, “Other studies have shown a positive correlation between how many self-centered people there on a given planet and if that planet is the center of the universe. Since we’re the only known life in the universe, that means our planet must be in the center.” Some scientists don’t agree with Castle’s theory, but their evidence is not as concrete as Castle’s. “Most of what we know for sure about the universe is only supported by theories and equations that we humans came up with. It’s not like there is a cave of equations & theories that has existed since the beginning of time. Scientists need to prove their theories, so they form their equations around the basis of their theory to prove it.” Castle goes on to say. Of course, the general population replies, “Oh wow, look at that smart guy who came up with an explanation for this thing that’s hard to prove! Since I have no PhD, I’m going to believe everything he says because I’m too dumb to disprove it.”
Let’s delve into the science behind Castle’s theory. You know what? Let’s drop the word theory and call it a fact. If you still aren’t convinced, you must be illiterate but feel free to read on. Since Castle didn’t fabricate his own equation, his fact is much more plausible than the previously accepted theory. His team decided to use a compound that the Earth has had readily in-supply for millions of years: sodium chloride. The scientists needed to launch it into space, so they built another spaceship to do so. They were stuck on a design decision but finally landed on a design that topped all of the others: a salt shaker. They gathered as much salt as their modified salt-shaker could store and launched it into space. If the salt floated out, then that meant, for sure, that Earth is the center of the universe. The salt did indeed float out. Careful calculations needed to be exercised in order for this fact to be proven. Time and time again, after five trials, the salt spilled out. This is good for the scientific community as it shows that an old theory isn’t always true.
Of course, there are always going to be skeptics, and one man is trying to disprove Castle’s fact. He’s claiming the scientific evidence provided is complete garbage and doesn’t make any scientific sense. He also has a doctorate, and he goes by the name Dr. Oliver Slab. His main idea is that the scientists that worked on this project aren’t actually scientists. He’s claiming that they’re frauds and have no scientific evidence for anything, but what does he know? When we asked Dr. Slab what his evidence was, he replied, “Our careful calculations have suggested that in the center of our Milky Way galaxy is a supermassive black hole based on data we’ve gathered throughout the years. Therefore, Castle’s theory that Earth is the center of the universe is just absurd.” We decided to put Dr. Castle and Dr. Slab in the same room, and they were constantly at each others’ necks. Literally. Eventually, Dr. Castle was so fed up that he threw Dr. Slab out of a window. Slab contracted severe head trauma, so Dr. Castle used Slab's injury to his advantage by discrediting him on the basis that he had no idea what he was talking about due to the head trauma.
The idea that the center of the universe is a supermassive black hole can’t be proven. It is much more likely that our own planet is the center. Hypothetically, let's say Earth isn’t the center. How would we even get to the center without dying of old age? There would be no way! The only “evidence” we have that the center is a black hole is just a bunch of theories. We don’t even have evidence that black holes exist. The salt test doesn’t lie especially when the same results are generated five times over. Go ahead; this is an experiment anybody can try at home. Take your average, every-day salt shaker and knock it over. One of one thing can happen: salt will spill out. If the salt spills out, then that means Earth is in the center of the universe. If no salt spills out, then it’s empty and you need to buy some more salt. I think Wal-Mart has some pretty good deals on salt. Trust me, Wal-Mart isn’t sponsoring this essay. No, really, they aren’t. Why would you even think that? Just keep reading.
Shocking new evidence has been given to us as this essay was being written. It has to do with the moon, and why it’s 100% proof that the Earth is the center of the universe if you were skeptical about the previously mentioned salt test. Dr. Slab seems to disagree, but what does he know? He lost over half of his brain function. We’ve received this news straight from Dr. Castle, who claims the moon is actually a spy mechanism created by alien life forms. His theory is that the only way this spy mechanism would work is if the Earth is the celestial body that’s rotating the entire solar system; and, in turn, mass-producing energy for the moon to use, similarly to a hydroelectric power plant. When America first visited the moon, an unidentified man (for the sake of science) was also launched to the moon, but no photos were taken of him. The lack of evidence makes skeptics think he never went, but rest assured, he did. He was known as “Man X” and Dr. Castle got a chance to interview him. When Castle asked how he determined the moon was an alien mechanism, he replied, “I had to really be sure this floating ball was given to us by an alien life form. What I did was I stuck a flag in the ground, and waited about a year. When I came back to the moon, the flag turned white, which can only mean either the aliens surrender or they hate America and bleached it. There is no other explanation for this.”
Dr. Slab replied, “Man X, the result of the white flag is caused by solar radiation which wipes the colors of the cloth clean.” At the time, Dr. Slab was still recovering from the severe head trauma he most likely uttered nonsense. Man X’s theory is much more acceptable, and as always, evidence always matters more than theories.
Unfortunately, most of the scientific community tends to disagree with all that is said in this essay. They claim we’re just trying to make them look stupid. That’s not the case, because we can’t make them look stupid because they already are. Who is really going to believe any of that mumbo-jumbo they’re saying? All they have are theories, which can’t even be proven. That’s the textbook definition of a theory. They are going on a basis of what they think, whereas we go on a basis of what we know.
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