ORLANDO, FL—With The Walt Disney Company’s 100 year anniversary only a few short years away, it’s inevitable that they’ll end up controlling America’s children. In fact, studies performed by the Child Psychology Group (CPG) have found that children between the ages of 5 and 13 are 82% more likely to own a Disney related item than teenagers in similar households. It doesn’t help that Disney is a multibillion dollar company: history has shown that groups with a lot of money also hold a lot of power. The CPG has estimated that by the year 2025, over 96% of children will own some sort of Disney-related item, whether it be a toy or a movie. To top it all off, the CPG have been performing studies on various Disney items, and they found some disturbing evidence. “Upon inspection of Mickey Mouse ears, we’ve found a mind control chip capable of controlling the wearer and surrounding children. We urge all parents to destroy any Disney-related item immediately.” That sounds pretty terrifying, and you’re probably wondering why this news hasn’t been published elsewhere. It has been, but Disney promptly sweeps away any negative article and opens a new Walt Disney World in that location. Eventually, Disney will flip a go-crazy switch and America’s children will take over the world. How’s that for a real-life fairy tale?
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