Organic Foods Coming Alive

UNIVERSITY PARK, PENNSYLVANIA—According to a recent study by Pennsylvania State University, organic food items are becoming more and more alive. The study was performed by three undergraduate Biology students over the course of four years. “People are always trying to find foods that are this-and-that-free, but the reason we use those ingredients in the first place is so that our food remains dead,” Chuck Butler told us. “When we don’t feed cows corn-based items, they don’t die fully. Their meat stays alive.” The study also found that cooking many organic foods doesn’t kill them either. They “reanimate in your gut, getting ready to reproduce.” As of this date, not all organic foods are displaying this phenomenon. Some safe foods include candies, poultry, and grains. Fruits, vegetables, fungi, beef, and others are still dangerous, so be sure to avoid them at all costs. “We recommend switching back to a high-GMO diet so you can kill off the organic invaders. Their number one weakness is GMO presence.” If you absolutely want to continue consuming organic food items, be aware that you may experience sudden death or food items bursting out of your stomach. The undergraduate students are doing everything they can in order to prevent more organic foods from reanimating, but they need help.

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