Organic Foods Coming Alive

<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkVMdZO3O9tcKS7m8IXqNH9XPnR3Jor-ARel8Rb3zfRjHGbfalwFGZjuzWGJwZ6Mrv4wbNfIQ7zr5kfaKU9IgMaR5hY8CO3aHph7ac-4wFNMCBQBrUZzsGTtAl69pbmL9ZI8yvOe8la8Ew/s1600/542.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkVMdZO3O9tcKS7m8IXqNH9XPnR3Jor-ARel8Rb3zfRjHGbfalwFGZjuzWGJwZ6Mrv4wbNfIQ7zr5kfaKU9IgMaR5hY8CO3aHph7ac-4wFNMCBQBrUZzsGTtAl69pbmL9ZI8yvOe8la8Ew/s1600/542.jpg" /></a><br /> <br /> UNIVERSITY PARK, PENNSYLVANIA—According to a recent study by Pennsylvania State University, organic food items are becoming more and more alive. The study was performed by three undergraduate Biology students over the course of four years. “People are always trying to find foods that are this-and-that-free, but the reason we use those ingredients in the first place is so that our food remains dead,” Chuck Butler told us. “When we don’t feed cows corn-based items, they don’t die fully. Their meat stays alive.” The study also found that cooking many organic foods doesn’t kill them either. They “reanimate in your gut, getting ready to reproduce.” As of this date, not all organic foods are displaying this phenomenon. Some safe foods include candies, poultry, and grains. Fruits, vegetables, fungi, beef, and others are still dangerous, so be sure to avoid them at all costs. “We recommend switching back to a high-GMO diet so you can kill off the organic invaders. Their number one weakness is GMO presence.” If you absolutely want to continue consuming organic food items, be aware that you may experience sudden death or food items bursting out of your stomach. The undergraduate students are doing everything they can in order to prevent more organic foods from reanimating, but they need help.<br /> <br /> <a href="http://finestnews.blogspot.com/p/blog-page_22.html">Click here</a> to donate to help prevent GMOs from taking over! <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

Organic Foods Coming Alive

UNIVERSITY PARK, PENNSYLVANIA—According to a recent study by Pennsylvania State University, organic food items are becoming more and more alive. The study was performed by three undergraduate Biology…

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Crusher Headphones Actually Crush Skulls

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjtFZKlYMVACQpHK7ouSzb_jE2iSZXxWA8ZuHYBCp2X0F9JeL1lOibo2cNWLfI5PVzww58TKJnVlw8U-aBCVigGWRhMpqv1rqRPI24YzsQYFveWzPOeaWMpbLAEbS87UuLqT-pkVWUfsTP/s1600/headphones.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjtFZKlYMVACQpHK7ouSzb_jE2iSZXxWA8ZuHYBCp2X0F9JeL1lOibo2cNWLfI5PVzww58TKJnVlw8U-aBCVigGWRhMpqv1rqRPI24YzsQYFveWzPOeaWMpbLAEbS87UuLqT-pkVWUfsTP/s640/headphones.jpg" width="640" /></a></div> <br /> PARK CITY, UT—Major headphone manufacturer Skullcandy introduced their lineup of Crusher headphones a few years ago, but newer models are a cause for concern. When the company launched in 2003, they were a formidable force in the headphone industry. Today, their relatively new Crusher line of headphones is apparently actually crushing skulls. The motto of the Crusher headphones is “bass you can feel,” but we argue that it’s hard to feel anything once you’re dead. To date, over 600 fatalities have been reported due to the headphones. CEO of the company, Hoby Darling, issued an official statement regarding the matter: “We are aware of supposed fatalities due to our Crusher headphones, but a warning label was clearly printed on the box.” It’s true, a warning label is clearly printed on the box it comes in. The 600 people who have died must overlooked it, or they were well aware of the dangers the headphones are capable of but used them anyway. If you’re looking for bass you can feel, you may be better off purchasing a subwoofer unless you’re into cracking your skull. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

Crusher Headphones Actually Crush Skulls

PARK CITY, UT—Major headphone manufacturer Skullcandy introduced their lineup of Crusher headphones a few years ago, but newer models are a cause for concern. When the company launched in 2003, they …

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Deer Wants New Occupation

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZD4gBdpRhMPBdEka6flUDwOQax3KDdhEww1Sn1SB47_KBjjoeRbqF_DRLEJKx7_5lh1MGJ_9_oRt7dElROufwQHTM0YwiKt8jfI98Mab54kmA4DarEG_G0H29meMwE_FLAFqfX8T6eyim/s1600/deer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZD4gBdpRhMPBdEka6flUDwOQax3KDdhEww1Sn1SB47_KBjjoeRbqF_DRLEJKx7_5lh1MGJ_9_oRt7dElROufwQHTM0YwiKt8jfI98Mab54kmA4DarEG_G0H29meMwE_FLAFqfX8T6eyim/s640/deer.jpg" width="640" /></a></div> <br /> WISCONSIN DELLS, WI—A white-tailed deer at a local deer park claims he wants a new occupation. The five-year-old deer has decided that it “no longer wants to be a deer.” He claims that he’s been at the park his entire life, and he desperately wants to return to the forest where there’s a great chance that he’ll be shot and eaten for dinner. The park owner has stated that all deer living in the park are extremely happy, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. “The park owner is a liar. I hate it here, but he won’t let me leave. We’re planning to go on strike.” If the deer get their way, then the owner will have to fulfill their demands. Some of the deer will likely stay, but this deer, in particular, would much rather be shot to death. Most of the other deer we’ve asked like it at the park, because they can lie in one place and be fed by the park visitors. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

Deer Wants New Occupation

WISCONSIN DELLS, WI—A white-tailed deer at a local deer park claims he wants a new occupation. The five-year-old deer has decided that it “no longer wants to be a deer.” He claims that he’s been at t…

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Bridge in Construction from California to Hawaii

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXD9IdpMp4Jbhjdyd0lhwROZfOJuengB6DYMax9Q0CGwpIkL29koCvsgQ1sgCakrQo0TXTq4cVac124yksrD-mhT9BzCqD4dePRboYWBAYLS0DF-qwNgKycVlay8BnHgiDChcyILKr2poG/s1600/long_stone_bridge_over_water-wide.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXD9IdpMp4Jbhjdyd0lhwROZfOJuengB6DYMax9Q0CGwpIkL29koCvsgQ1sgCakrQo0TXTq4cVac124yksrD-mhT9BzCqD4dePRboYWBAYLS0DF-qwNgKycVlay8BnHgiDChcyILKr2poG/s640/long_stone_bridge_over_water-wide.jpg" width="640" /></a></div> <br /> SAN FRANSICO, CA—To make traveling to Hawaii easier and more affordable, state politicians in California have passed a bill allowing for the construction of a bridge from the smoggy state many miles away to Hawaii. The construction will start in January 2016 and is estimated to cost over $19 billion. Don’t worry, though, that cost will be covered by your tax dollars. That’s right, you’ll be paying for a bridge in a state that you probably don’t live in that’s connected to a state that you’d rather fly to. Now would be the time to start learning tax evasion tactics. Local Hawaiians aren’t too fond of the idea either because they will likely see a massive increase in tourism. “We get enough tourism as it is,” Hawaii governor David Ige stated. “With this bridge, we’ll be getting a lot more, and we hate tourists. We hope most of them will be eaten by sharks.” We don’t know if shark attacks are very common in Hawaii, but we’ve also heard that Ige has spent over $3 million in shark purchases alone, so keep your eyes peeled if you plan on getting in the drink. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

Bridge in Construction from California to Hawaii

SAN FRANSICO, CA—To make traveling to Hawaii easier and more affordable, state politicians in California have passed a bill allowing for the construction of a bridge from the smoggy state many miles …

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Kanye West Selling Toenail Clippings

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWHOBwSY7EtRJ3nxIxrkhA0MJHAzs9ckxMfnshQjPkFAXHuWfMJzKw0n5A9xf5HcTDKmrDyUfTchgrWrNtieR6mJ5FK_UDUQJIR74SBaU_tODRWhiG7bCE0Nr4R5juGu0CZSOT9ow2A9AA/s1600/kanye-west-2-1920x1200.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWHOBwSY7EtRJ3nxIxrkhA0MJHAzs9ckxMfnshQjPkFAXHuWfMJzKw0n5A9xf5HcTDKmrDyUfTchgrWrNtieR6mJ5FK_UDUQJIR74SBaU_tODRWhiG7bCE0Nr4R5juGu0CZSOT9ow2A9AA/s640/kanye-west-2-1920x1200.jpg" width="640" /></a></div> <br /> CALABASAS, CA—Singer-songwriter Kanye West is in the process of selling his toenail clippings. Earlier this month, we <a href="http://finestnews.blogspot.com/2015/07/local-man-donating-toenails-to-charity.html" target="_blank">posted an article</a> about a local man who was donating <i>his </i>to charity. When Kanye got wind of the story, he decided to be a dick and sell them on Ebay. “I’m the greatest rock star in history. I ain’t gonna donate them, I gotta sell ’em! These nails don’t grow cheap,” Kanye tweeted to defend himself. It’s unfortunate for him, actually, because his donation would help to show his nicer side. As of this date, he doesn’t seem to have one of those. Some people still think that he’s probably a gay fish, but he seems to deny that fact. The charity would really benefit from Kanye’s toenail clippings, but he has no intention of donating them. Maybe with enough fan uproar, he’ll change his mind. Until then, he will keep denying that he is indeed a gay fish. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

Kanye West Selling Toenail Clippings

CALABASAS, CA—Singer-songwriter Kanye West is in the process of selling his toenail clippings. Earlier this month, we posted an article about a local man who was donating his to charity. When Kanye g…

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Local Dog Shits on Donald Trump’s Campaign Poster

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-NxAJ0eEgfBR2_mKnPIX2SFvwIgAwRlMmkUs-feXxmc_a6gGPQyd65bYxUCmc7M1Wq0Eq29qUknHx-mBaygIE3CgkPrbkqU6GqPnRFxlcuVNqev1mpzERVGWy_0tC8QXGwJ1CWQauMaDk/s1600/pooptrump.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-NxAJ0eEgfBR2_mKnPIX2SFvwIgAwRlMmkUs-feXxmc_a6gGPQyd65bYxUCmc7M1Wq0Eq29qUknHx-mBaygIE3CgkPrbkqU6GqPnRFxlcuVNqev1mpzERVGWy_0tC8QXGwJ1CWQauMaDk/s640/pooptrump.jpg" width="640" /></a></div> <br /> AUSTIN, TX—A local dog has successfully taken a shit on Donald Trump’s campaign poster while walking to the dog park. The dog, named Fluffers, was being walked by his owner when “he tugged on the leash so hard that I lost grip.” The dog proceeded to press his butt against the poster and unleash a giant pile of doggy doo. The owner, Jeb Martin, was horrified at the sighting and decided to post a picture of his dog’s smug look after the fact. “The dog seems to know that Trump deserves a steaming pile of shit all over his face,” a local resident screamed in approval. The rest of the Austin area isn’t too happy with the dog, as they all plan on voting for Trump. Martin decided to give the dog up for adoption because he “only accepts pure-blooded Republican dogs.” Martin was also afraid that if he kept Fluffers, his neighborhood would disown him, and probably even skin them both alive. “It was best I put him up for adoption. We’ve been through a lot, but I feel he stabbed me in the back.” The dog can be purchased at a local animal shelter in Austin for around fifty dollars. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

Local Dog Shits on Donald Trump’s Campaign Poster

AUSTIN, TX—A local dog has successfully taken a shit on Donald Trump’s campaign poster while walking to the dog park. The dog, named Fluffers, was being walked by his owner when “he tugged on the lea…

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New Jets Stadium Being Built

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEia2iC2Dhb6dEKRjwS04-9RCKOMEuiWwtgsCAEgb78NTj83IEolBss6D87qr7FkxuU1mFA81Zj9hco695FVlmDO7ctjuJ40KS5JOPbFKcGrL0GHsv7jQcA_ttwIjOnMgruXNIydkt_LlYsR/s1600/K94939B%253D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEia2iC2Dhb6dEKRjwS04-9RCKOMEuiWwtgsCAEgb78NTj83IEolBss6D87qr7FkxuU1mFA81Zj9hco695FVlmDO7ctjuJ40KS5JOPbFKcGrL0GHsv7jQcA_ttwIjOnMgruXNIydkt_LlYsR/s640/K94939B%253D.jpg" width="640" /></a></div> <br /> FLORHAM PARK, NJ—The worst team in the NFL, the New York Jets, will be getting a new stadium later this year, according to its owner Woody Johnson. Constantly in the Giant’s shadow, the New York Jets claim to be a formidable opponent, but past seasons have proven otherwise. According to Johnson, “The Jets really are a good team. They just need a massively oversized and expensive stadium in which the New York and New Jersey residents must pay for, even though I’m a billionaire.” If you are a fan of the Jets, which is maybe 1% of football fans, then you will surely be approving the new stadium. The Jets’ current stadium, the MetLife stadium, is located in New Jersey. That’s strange, seeing as how the name of their team is the New<b> </b><i>York</i> Jets, <b>not</b> the New <i>Jersey</i> Jets. However, the MetLife stadium will be demolished and the new Johnson stadium will be constructed in late 2015. The NFL is always finding fantastic ways to waste American tax dollars. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

New Jets Stadium Being Built

FLORHAM PARK, NJ—The worst team in the NFL, the New York Jets, will be getting a new stadium later this year, according to its owner Woody Johnson. Constantly in the Giant’s shadow, the New York Jets…

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Minnesota Couple Argues About Who Should Shovel Next Winter

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj1LEoDo7IYItEcvz-ahF_IRQmlH9FZZoJ0t7YjoIkxnRMQbRFtddGFCtlxmHaIVqFck1g525IBX4ISves5DjDxtA2EC9mN2lY0OkZKkGcVMS-XQt7nqohLnB3daqZNEM2WYxiRkcIyUT2/s1600/bigstock-Couple-Arguing-At-Breakfast-3916300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj1LEoDo7IYItEcvz-ahF_IRQmlH9FZZoJ0t7YjoIkxnRMQbRFtddGFCtlxmHaIVqFck1g525IBX4ISves5DjDxtA2EC9mN2lY0OkZKkGcVMS-XQt7nqohLnB3daqZNEM2WYxiRkcIyUT2/s640/bigstock-Couple-Arguing-At-Breakfast-3916300.jpg" width="640" /></a></div> <br /> EAGAN, MN—A local Minnesota couple is in a heated argument about who should shovel during the coming winter months. The couple admits that they don’t usually argue, but this particular topic sparked a flame in their relationship. According to Eric, the husband, Claire hasn’t shoveled in over two years. “Every time it snowed, I was the one to go out and shovel. I don’t remember her helping once.” Of course, Claire remembers differently. “Every time it snowed, I yelled for my husband to go shovel, and he did.” That probably doesn’t help Claire’s case, but at least she was being honest, and honesty is the best policy. Eric claims that he’s tried to hire the local kids to shovel for him, but they always ended up setting fire to his prized tree. “All Eric cares about is that stupid tree. He won a forestry badge one time and I swear he loves the tree more than me,” an aggravated Claire sighed. The couple is planning to file for divorce later this year. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

Minnesota Couple Argues About Who Should Shovel Next Winter

EAGAN, MN—A local Minnesota couple is in a heated argument about who should shovel during the coming winter months. The couple admits that they don’t usually argue, but this particular topic sparked …

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Advil Introduces New Product

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQqlhcUKjh5IjXt9pjKAJEJK82xsmvz6f6DcbN2UHpkkj3Fnhi9CM6f2DNnr_gcNjiDq3XKtc-93YM99SL6MCMd6NnOh-Q1E4dnB1b_dAfwxUFgf_gBRe8fYfLAhBKaXHlhTKwtl8Vg152/s1600/Advil.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQqlhcUKjh5IjXt9pjKAJEJK82xsmvz6f6DcbN2UHpkkj3Fnhi9CM6f2DNnr_gcNjiDq3XKtc-93YM99SL6MCMd6NnOh-Q1E4dnB1b_dAfwxUFgf_gBRe8fYfLAhBKaXHlhTKwtl8Vg152/s640/Advil.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /> MADISON, WI—If you’ve ever had a headache, then you’ve probably taken Ibuprofen for it. It’s likely that the Ibuprofen you chose was Advil^® brand. Today, Advil^® has announced a new product for significant pain and sleep aid, Advil^® KO. They even suggested giving it to the people you don’t like, because it will knock them out for a minimum of four hours. The company also warned users not to take more than recommended, as that could cause serious damage to your body. If you’re like the general population, you don’t like headaches. And you also probably don’t like being awake. Advil^® KO will take care of <i>both </i>of those issues: 500mg of Ibuprofen plus 200mg of Diphenhydramine citrate will knock you out for the duration of your headache. If you don’t have a headache, but somebody won’t leave you alone, slip a few in their drink and relax for a few hours. Advil^® has really stepped up their game, now competing in the market for sleep aid alone. We’ll have to see how Advil^® KO competes against Vicks^® ZzzQuil. We think it will be far superior. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

Advil Introduces New Product

MADISON, WI—If you’ve ever had a headache, then you’ve probably taken Ibuprofen for it. It’s likely that the Ibuprofen you chose was Advil® brand. Today, Advil® has announced a new product for signif…

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Microsoft Unveils Best Windows 10 Feature

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7tE6EsCUOcZn-06pqS7oUiryp3e5G6cc8jaqpd26L6GXZpMqAKLe0EtB6IWipen9SWsqdxiv8kcNV8mRkgu0zmMaJNOmRTf1KvqDYbCzzpekRhyphenhyphen44QcWxXgtCJsoK42FvR-LBZO783R4W/s1600/windows_10_logo-wallpaper-1920x1200.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7tE6EsCUOcZn-06pqS7oUiryp3e5G6cc8jaqpd26L6GXZpMqAKLe0EtB6IWipen9SWsqdxiv8kcNV8mRkgu0zmMaJNOmRTf1KvqDYbCzzpekRhyphenhyphen44QcWxXgtCJsoK42FvR-LBZO783R4W/s640/windows_10_logo-wallpaper-1920x1200.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /> REDMOND, WA—Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella has unveiled “the best feature Windows 10 has to offer, hands-down.” On top of the various new features Windows 10 has to offer, including the return of the start menu, and the introduction of Cortana and Microsoft Edge, this new feature will “top them all” according to Nadella. Generally, the CEO doesn’t unveil new features to the public; they usually unveil them at a press conference to be presented to the public at a later date. This feature, however, is so mind-blowing that Nadella decided to skip the press conference and head straight for the public unveil. “At Microsoft, we’re always finding ways to be better. We understand that there were many flaws with Windows 8—and we truly believe this new feature will allow you to forgive us,” Nadella stated during an exclusive interview. “We’d like to proudly introduce fecal-matter recognition technology. To start, come out of the bathroom after taking a number two without washing your hands, and smear them across your display. Windows will recognize the smear and save it to an encrypted partition on your hard drive. In order to gain access to the device in the future, you’ll need to repeat the same process.” Microsoft believes that fecal-matter recognition will give a solid edge over its top competitor, Apple. It will be included in all variants of Windows 10. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

Microsoft Unveils Best Windows 10 Feature

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella has unveiled “the best feature Windows 10 has to offer, hands-down.” On top of the various new features Windows 10 has to offer, including the return of the st…

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Child Expelled for Marmalade Sandwich

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHGnoHN4ZWEnZ79pzfOMT-MEeqjYaltjSBb8BjVhznkljLYc0QwJ-fP81FABl6AxRlBBSce-TeNA8wxw-RGu93I7dxmgGc_g-ll3xe157HyHW6maUVdgCKwPubq-TY3EfOGm9ZuOiACBkY/s1600/Sandwich+%25284%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHGnoHN4ZWEnZ79pzfOMT-MEeqjYaltjSBb8BjVhznkljLYc0QwJ-fP81FABl6AxRlBBSce-TeNA8wxw-RGu93I7dxmgGc_g-ll3xe157HyHW6maUVdgCKwPubq-TY3EfOGm9ZuOiACBkY/s640/Sandwich+%25284%2529.jpg" width="640" /></a></div> <br /> FRANKFORT, KY—The school board at a local elementary school has expelled a boy who brought in a marmalade sandwich. The boy, 9-year-old Taylor Parker, unpacked his lunch and a teacher caught a glimpse of something unusual in his sandwich. “It looked a lot like jelly. When I got closer, I saw that it was orange.” After the teacher, Mr. Brown, noticed the odd color, he asked Taylor what it was. When he learned that it was in fact marmalade, he brought the boy to the principal’s office. “Here in Kentucky, we have a strict zero-tolerance policy for marmalade. Ever since the Great Marmalade Incident of 1823, it’s been illegal to manufacture, buy, or sell marmalade.” Upon learning of his expulsion, his parents grounded Taylor for a year. Since he’s in third grade, his history class has definitely covered the Great Marmalade Incident of 1823. An ongoing investigation is underway to find the manufacturer of the marmalade, as Taylor confessed to purchasing it. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

Child Expelled for Marmalade Sandwich

FRANKFORT, KY—The school board at a local elementary school has expelled a boy who brought in a marmalade sandwich. The boy, 9-year-old Taylor Parker, unpacked his lunch and a teacher caught a glimps…

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Local Gardener Has Big Dreams

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-dYKEh1YrVUTF8DzLHsxjinanGGOzklhCeK3PnThDyP9Oj_d1McXYI4BOkbV6wysp77zRfyjA06QsSOstWFi9ycyW6tzG9u7Q94K2bok_BGWfSnpXgE2dzQ4yVd0qnjb3x2bJOp4bskfu/s1600/gardener.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-dYKEh1YrVUTF8DzLHsxjinanGGOzklhCeK3PnThDyP9Oj_d1McXYI4BOkbV6wysp77zRfyjA06QsSOstWFi9ycyW6tzG9u7Q94K2bok_BGWfSnpXgE2dzQ4yVd0qnjb3x2bJOp4bskfu/s640/gardener.jpg" width="640" /></a></div> <br /> MIAMI, FL—A local gardener is planning on becoming the first “garden serial killer” in Miami. Troy Baskwell, a 62-year old gardener born in Miami, is planning on murdering half of his neighborhood. He claims that gardening, a hobby he once loved, is not enough to fulfill his needs of entertainment. “I used to watch Dexter every week,” Baker stated, “until I took up gardening. That guy is my idol.” Due to a lack of funding, Baker start a Kickstarter campaign to aid him in the purchase of several serial-killer friendly weapons, such as knives, axes, daggers, and tranquilizers. Since he is a gardener, he already has access to several shovels, so he won’t need to purchase more. In addition to the Kickstarter campaign, his gardening skills will benefit him significantly. Because he is so familiar with digging up dirt for long periods of time, he will have no problem hiding the bodies of his victims. To top it off, he can plant flowers on the graves to make them seem less suspicious. “I didn’t know gardening skills would benefit a serial killer so much. I’m sure glad I chose this hobby when I did.” Troy stated that he will start his serial killing spree in a few weeks. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o"></i>

Local Gardener Has Big Dreams

MIAMI, FL—A local gardener is planning on becoming the first “garden serial killer” in Miami. Troy Baskwell, a 62-year old gardener born in Miami, is planning on murdering half of his neighborhood. H…

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